For the record, some of our scripts are actually just verbatim transcriptions of natural conversations I trip over. This couldn’t possibly be one of those, could it? It could! It is!

And this is only the tip of an ever-expanding iceberg of insanity. I’ve had my son describe Minecraft contraptions that artifically induce lag by stuffing enough chickens in the space of a single block that they collapse into an entity singularity that warps time and distance calculations. I’ve witnessed him troubleshooting a machine that pushes sand around at teraherz frequencies to mess with the server tick and make plants on the other side of the river grow faster. Then of course, there are the relatively mundane devices that simply spawn animals, grind them up, cook them, and deposit them in convenient storage bins for later consumption, all entirely unassisted while fuel stores last. Hoppers are the straight shiz, I guess.

The simplest of these infernal machines is a small dark hole designed to allow monsters to spawn, but is only open on one side by their ankles. Skeletons and zombies can’t crouch, you see–must be the rigor mortis–so the player is then free to hack at their ankles entirely risk-free. These easy experience points can then be used to enchant weapons and armor to, I can only estimate, melt puppies into sheets of glass that actually cry when the sun shines through them?

I don’t know. I stopped fucking asking.